I change the greeting on my telephone every day. However, lately, I have been remiss partly because I just plain forget to update it and partly because its such a hassle. Normally it takes me about 5 minutes to record the message because I have to redo it especially when I’m still a little sleepy. Not any more! From now on I’m just going to wing it. You get to hear my updates boo-boos and all.
Ok, I’m still not at 100% which means operating heavy machinery is a very bad idea. So yesterday I decided to use the DC area’s public transportation to get to mass. Most of you know that I don’t drive during bad weather i.e. when there is snow or ice on the road and I dislike driving into DC. The city has potholes bigger than me! Taking public transportation during the summer months is a rarity for me. But it can’t be that much different from the winter, right? So, I get an on-line print out of a transportation schedule and walk to the nearest pickup station. Piece of cake? Wrong!
I’m about 30 minutes early (I’m always early) and there is guy already waiting. He obviously had a little too much fun the night before and was nursing a hangover. No problem. I’m prepared. I won’t say with what but I’m ready if he gets out of hand. Besides another guy approached soon after. The first guy was Spanish and kept asking when the bus was coming. The second guy was German and asked every 3 minutes if the bus was going to stop where we were standing. AND it was hot, damn hot! After about twenty minutes of this mindless babble, I told them both to sit down and be quiet. That the bus was coming in 10 minutes and it was going to stop right where I am standing. I wonder if you can carry a whip around in public because these guys definitely needed to feel the cool leather of a dominatrix’s stick.
Finally, the bus comes and I find a seat away from both men and close to the driver. Halfway through the trip, a drunk guy gets on the bus. I thought that perhaps there was a pre July 4th party that I wasn’t invited to because there were an awful lot of intoxicated people on the bus. The drunk guy sits next to me. I turn to him and although I wanted to say how much he reeked I didn’t. That may have hurt his feelings. Instead, I asked that he sit in one of the dozen or so empty seats. Then I gave him the ‘evil eye’ which means if don’t like that idea you really aren’t going to like the other alternative. He looked me up and down then looked at the other passengers and agreed my suggestion was a good thing.
I reach the church super late but in time for 11 AM mass. I think I mentioned before why I avoid late morning mass. What happened next explains why.
I get to the church, kneel, say a mini prayer and sit down. While I’m fumbling through my purse trying to find my tithe envelope the mass begins. About fifteen minutes into the ceremony I hear a loud high-pitched scream that then turned into an even louder continuous cry. Without missing a beat I pulled out some Army regulation earplugs (the kind tankers use) and inserted them into my ears. Obviously, someone’s spawn decided to exercise his/her lungs. I didn’t hear the rest of the sermon but I’m not concerned. The deal was I had to be in church every Sunday. Nowhere does it say I have to listen.
When I saw the people in front of me get up and start to leave, I removed the ear plugs and made my way towards the door. The people in the back of me had a huge grin on their faces and kept staring at me. A friend of mine who also attended the same mass explained to me that when I pulled out the ear plugs the whole backside of the church started laughing and a couple of people wondered aloud where to get some ear plugs for themselves.
The lesson for that Sunday was to always be prepared.
Considering how this week began I need a distraction. So, distract me!
The number to call is 1-888-669-6389. And the price is always cheap. Why do you think the site is called Cheap Phone Sex?
Cheryl