I know more marines than I do sailors. So you will understand when I say I cuss like a marine. Now I have always had a “dirty mouth” which is good for the phone sex business. Actually, I was a student of the English language and I thought to master it by understanding intimately all the so-called “four-letter words”. I was a sneaky cunt. Practicing my mastery of the language on the playground out of earshot from my parents or teachers. Yeah, I was a regular little Jekyll and Hyde. My peers feared me and the adults thought I was a proper Southern Belle.
As I grew into adulthood my foray into dirty words served me well. One minute I was prim and proper talking in flat As. Then someone would tick me off and I would use my dirty mouth in a way that for example left my former debate coach dumfounded. He said he never met a girl who used such words with so much force and meaning. Today I say thank Mr. B you lying fat shit. I hope your wife finally left you and married a woman – any woman. We all knew she was a closet lesbian which explained your comical marriage.
As I grew older I learned when you use my arsenal of dirty words. Sadly as you get older there are fewer and fewer opportunities. Imagine my confusion when I found myself using my weaponry at inappropriate moments. Lately, I have been cussing like a marine. Meaning just about every word out of my mouth is dirty and not the good kind.
For example, I was taking a break from the phone sex line and shopping downtown where believe it or not they have still had meters. I am in the middle of getting fitted for a suit when I realize the meter is about to go out. Half dressed I run out of the store to put some money in the meter. My purse is on the hood of the car and I am looking for my card when a traffic cop walks by stands behind me and CLICK. As I turn to put more money in the times up. I think nothing of it. What has it been? 2 seconds. I add money and head back to the shop. Only out the corner of my eye, I see traffic bitch writing me a ticket. I tell her: You have to be fucking kidding me! This is what you do on a Saturday. You are getting weekend pay, right? Here’s what you do: Go over to that motherfucking coffee shop, sit your fat ass down and wait until your shift is over. Think about where you went wrong in life. Oh and if there is a ticket on my car when I get back I am going to challenge it and make this day the worse day of your life just because.
I didn’t get a ticket. Surprisingly I didn’t get arrested. I was so rude. Believe me, I usually am not.
I did get a full check-up to make sure there wasn’t some weird tumor or something slowly changing my personality. It isn’t medical so it must be something else. I blame the Tea Party. Yeah, I went there.
I have always had little tolerance for stupidity. The political discourse in this country is such that my patience has died. Now I just say whatever the fuck comes out of my mouth. So you can imagine what happened yesterday when some Mormons came knocking on my door. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty and I think I may have converted them to what I am not sure because my own church is on the outs right now.
Thankfully I am in a business where my potty mouth is an asset.
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